Commitment
You solved it in 4 smart guesses.
Today’s Wordle was AVOID. (note: this is not today’s word so please don’t be mad! I wrote this early last month!)
After my second try, I peeked at the hints. I already guessed the letters they so graciously gave. D and I. The NYT said today’s word was not challenging and yet it took me 4 out of 6 tries to get it. I went back to the game, put in another guess, and after I guessed the letter O correctly, I wrote the letters on a piece of paper. Oh! I knew the word.
Out of the 103 times I’ve played Wordle, I’ve guessed the right word on my fourth try 49 times, my sweet spot. I’ve guessed the word on my third try 27 times and never have I guessed the word on my first try. That’s because I’m deeply committed to my opening word: ADIEU. It has almost all the vowels and is a great way to help me understand what direction Wordle is going in that day.
The word AVOID felt deeply ironic, given the things I said I wanted to do this year. Today is the Lunar New Year, and while everyone seems so excited for the Year of the Horse, I’ve found myself interested in what the Year of the Snake left me. On TikTok1, all of the girls are saying the previous year was about shedding what didn’t work, releasing patterns, and letting go of who wasn’t for you. While I know TikTok is not the place to receive information on the cultural traditions of the Chinese, I found it interesting.
My second word of 2026 is Commitment. As someone who leans a bit more towards avoidant attachment as opposed to secure attachment, commitment is scary. But something I’ve been thinking a lot about is how the stories I tell myself about who I am, are at many times, limiting. I’m deeply committed to my friendships, often thinking of people in passing and making a point to connect with them. I’m committed to telling stories, even if I don’t always put pen to paper. I moved across the country and lived somewhere for many years, forming a large community, that’s pretty committed. I have three tattoos and nine piercings, is that not commitment?
AVOID. Four tries and a chuckle from me once I guessed it.
My first therapist stopped me in the middle of a sentence when I said I wasn’t someone who cried or got really emotional. She said,
“But, you just cried and got really emotional.”
I explained how this was an exception. She then told me how everything I do is part of me. I cocked my head to the side, something I do involuntarily when listening or trying to understand something. She kept going, telling me that oftentimes these stories I tell about myself reinforce behaviors that may not even be true to me anymore. I considered that, and I’m still learning what she meant years later.
I’m avoidant, but these days I also show strong signs of secure attachment. There are parts of me that are scared to make the wrong decisions, to waste my time, or hurt people. There are parts of me that feel a big feeling and say “not right now.” There are also parts of me that blindly trust myself. Parts of me that feel a feeling and move without question. That’s not avoidance at all.
Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto. It’s Latin for: I am human, nothing human is alien to me. The first time I heard it was from the late Maya Angelou. She went on to say how the phrase impacted her ability to be empathetic. If a human can do something, then I can do it, she mused. But she chose to use her powers for good as opposed to evil, and never judged evil, knowing she could do that too.
The whole thing about avoidance is that it’s not the absence of feeling, but the fear and suppression of it. But these days, I’m not as scared as I used to be. I cry more than I ever have and my friends say it’s me who helps them access their feelings more. Hmmm. I metaphorically cock my head to the side.
Commitment. What does that mean? The obvious thing is I could enter a committed romantic relationship with someone. But I don’t think that’s the only way to show my growing capacity to become a committed person. I’d like to be committed to my home, my place of origin. I’m figuring out what that means. It could be as simple as forming a relationship with the bookshop owners down the block who remember my name whenever I enter. I could follow through on applying to volunteer for the New York Abortion Access Fund (NYAAF)2. I could tell my friends I want to see them, just because I miss them. But also, it means trusting that when I have a feeling about something, I don’t need to inspect it and get it under a microscope. Sometimes my body says, “This feels right.” or “This feels wrong.” and I should move off that before my mind steps in to “protect” me.
Being avoidant worked for about the first twenty or so years of my life. It’s not working as well in this past decade. Ironically, my commitment to avoidance hinders me. However, attachment theory is just that, a theory. Doesn’t mean it’s not right, it just means that human nature rarely fits into neat boxes. It’s why even with the rise of machine learning, talking to AI always feels slightly off. It’s not human and doesn’t understand that the frameworks and guidance we use to keep ourselves in check often fall away at the moment of true emotion and feeling.
Sometimes I get really anxious, sometimes I avoid my journal for weeks, and sometimes I tell someone how they made me feel in the moment. This doesn’t mean that all of a sudden I will wear my heart on my sleeve, it just means that I am committed to getting to know all the parts of me that make sense and confuse me. I’m committed to letting life to surprise me and allowing myself to be wrong about a story I once told.
I haven’t guessed today’s Wordle yet, but I started typing the letters: A D….you know the rest.
This draft was written before I deleted the app following the US acquisition. Haven’t been on the app for a few weeks now!
Since writing this, I’ve been accepted to be a volunteer case manager for the NYAAF, my training begins next week! I’m excited!
Such a great writer!