Summer Vacation
I took some time off.
I have 51 summers left.
Hopefully there are more, but according to the averages, I have about 51 more summers before…I die. That feels dramatic to write, but I’ve been thinking about how sometimes I keep living as if I have all this time. In some ways that’s the right way to think because I don’t need to be a mother right away or have a million dollars saved. But, I keep thinking about the things I don’t say or do and moments I stop myself from asking someone to hang out because, “they’re probably busy or don’t want to see me.”
It’s kind of exhausting to be so limiting at times or even downright critical to the point of inaction. All the videos online say the step to overcome this is to be vulnerable, but they miss the part about needing others to also be vulnerable with you. So in my quest to live a little more like I might die at any unknown point in the future, including tomorrow, I’ve promised myself a few things:
Stick to routines that make me better in multiple ways. This includes working out, sleeping enough, eating food that nourishes me, and so on.
Doing things that challenge me: reading, learning a language, studying a topic I wouldn’t normally go for.
Spending time with people who make an effort to connect with me.
That last one leads to my topic for today.
Friendships have always come relatively easy to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of friendship breakups and conflicts that stress me out. But when it comes to connecting with people, I seem to do that with ease. Even strangers like me. I’ve had many people ask me how I’m able to maintain so many friendships and I think it’s a few things. Despite some of my limiting thoughts from earlier in this post, I’m not afraid of rejection in the realm of friendship. I’m not afraid to ask to hang out multiple times, double text, or even call if I want to connect with you. Unable to lend kindness and grace to myself, my ability to do that with others is abundant. So my opportunities to connect with people multiply and I end up having relationships that feel good and below the surface.
However, I began noticing that when those relationships get closer, I start keeping score. Do I reach out more? Do they only think of me after I think of them? Yet, in the beginning I had no inhibitions, no skin in the game. But when relationships deepen, so does risk. Risk of being hurt, or rejected, or having a misunderstanding. So, a few months ago I told myself that it’s okay for me to need some effort from my friends. It’s okay for me to want some reciprocity or to see desire on their end. Because that creates security and safety, which is how relationships reach longevity.
It made me think about a man I dated years ago. At this point in our situation, we had given up on a relationship and agreed to be casual. We ran into a problem pretty soon after, which is that I was the only one reaching out to him. He’d be responsive and engaging, but he never initiated. I said I thought I was bugging him and he told me he always liked hearing from me. A direct quote was,
“You’re not a bug to me.”
That didn’t sound as reassuring as he hoped it did. He missed the point and I got quiet and didn’t reach out for a while. After some time, I decided to take a risk and voice note him. I told him that desire needed to go both ways and it was clear it wasn’t. It wasn’t enough that he’d see me when I asked, it mattered that he also wanted to see me. That there was an ask on both sides, because at a certain point it hurt to feel like that desire didn’t exist on his end. He thanked me and said he understood and would try. We stopped talking shortly thereafter.
Since being home, I’ve done quite a bit of outreach. Trying to rebuild a community is hard, even if you have a bunch of people like I do. In my attempts, I’ve noticed I need friends who express interest in me and make an effort to spend time with me. It hurts to always be the one initiating, even if you understand everyone has their own lives. So instead of focusing on people who don’t respond or who are only reactive and not proactive, I’ve decided to spend more energy on those who practice reciprocity. This isn’t to say I don’t talk to friends who take days to respond or don’t reach out to people who haven’t reached out to me in a while. This is to say that I’m expending my energy on connecting with those who also want connection and express that desire. It feels more rewarding and nourishing than trying to change people.
If time really is as limited as the averages say, I’ve reached a point in my life where having the conversation about wanting someone to want me seems futile. Now, I move towards mutuality. I do that knowing that people are complicated, nuanced, and dealing with a whole set of things that make them more or less available. I also know that we all tier our relationships and it’s okay if I’m not super close to someone because there are others in my life that require the limited time and attention I have.
So, when I took two weeks off earlier this month before starting my new job, I packed in some heavy friend time. I followed up with all the people who reached out to me and put some things on my calendar. I hung out with my cousin, who if I’m honest struggles with the whole outreach thing, but I make an exception for her. She helped me go shopping for work clothes and said she would not hear me talk poorly about my body. We ended with a late lunch on the Upper East Side. I got drinks with a college friend in Bedstuy who told me she felt like she missed an opportunity to be closer friends with me in college and I said well here’s a second chance! Sadasia stayed with me for a couple of days and we talked about our shared Bronx upbringings and where we are today. Amtrak took me down to D.C. to celebrate Reniya’s 30th birthday, where it felt like old times living in Oakland, and I made a welcome to her 30’s gift bag with a handwritten letter. Ron joined us a few days later and we all went out for dinner and dancing. When I hugged Reniya the next morning before I made my way back home, she said it meant so much to her for me to visit. I’ll see her this upcoming weekend, this time in New York. Jaz just went back to Japan on Saturday after visiting for a week and we talked about what our lives look like now that we’ve been in our respective cities for over 6 months.
I’m working on accepting that not every relationship in my life needs to be deep. Sometimes relationships reach their threshold. Sometimes people don’t initiate, but love you deeply. I know that, but I’m thinking about myself a bit more these days. It’s important for me to practice connection with people who can meet me there in the best way they can. It’s no longer enough to just give, I have to also be willing to receive. I think it helps the whole loneliness thing I sometimes struggle with. I’m still learning how to do that and be accountable to myself and others. I’m sure there are things I need to work on internally and externally, but sometimes you need to do hard things with people who can hold you as you stumble through it. This summer I’ve made it a point to put my energy where it can be transferred or transformed but never lost. It’s been fun and here’s to hoping the next 50 are just as good.